12. Physical separation
THE STORY OF SRI ANNAMALAI SWAMI
Separation from Bhagavan's form
Sensing the maturity of the disciple, Bhagavan initiated and completed the total physical separation of Annamalai Swami from Bhagavan’s physical form. This was his final lesson to Annamalai Swami.
Bhagavan covers his face
Normally whenever I entered Bhagavan’s hall he would greet me with a few friendly words. One day (this was in the 1940s), when I entered the hall, Bhagavan covered his head and face with a dhothi and refused to look at me. He behaved in exactly the same way the next two nights. On the third day I asked him ‘Why is Bhagavan covering his face like a Muslim woman every time I come into the hall? Does this mean I should not come anymore?
Bhagavan replied, rather cryptically. ‘I am remaining still like Siva (Nan Sivane ennu irruken). Why are you talking to me?’
I took this to be an indication that Bhagavan didn’t want me to come to see him anymore. I walked out of the hall and stood under a tree. After some time Bhagavan called me back into the hall. I noticed that there was no one else there at that time.
‘Are you an atheist who has no belief in God?’ asked Bhagavan.
I was too puzzled to reply.
‘If one has no faith in God,’ Bhagavan continued, ‘one will commit a lot of sins and be miserable. But you , you are a mature devotee. When the mind has attained maturity, in that mature state if one thinks that one is separate from God, one will fall into the same state as an atheist who has no belief in God. You are a mature Sādhakā. It is not necessary for you to come here anymore. Stay in Palakothu and do your meditation there. Try to efface the notion that you are different from God.‘
I left the ashram and never went back again. Although my room is only 200 yards from the ashram gate, I have not visited the ashram once since that fateful day in the 1940s.
I have come for your Darshan
About twenty days later, as Bhagavan was walking in Palakothu, he came up to me, smiled and said, ‘I have come for your darshan.’ I was quite shocked to hear Bhagavan speak like this even though I knew he was joking. When I asked him for an explanation he said,
‘You have obeyed my words. You are living simply and humbly as I have taught. Is this not great?’
His last words to me
Though Bhagavan had asked me not to come to the ashram any more, I still thought that I had the freedom to talk when he visited Palakothu. Bhagavan disabused me of this notion shortly afterwards when I went to see him while he was walking on the hill.
He turned to me and said, ‘You are happier than I. What you had to give you have given. What I had to give I have given. Why are you still coming to me?’
Personal relationship severed
Bhagavan had once told me:
‘Do not cling to the form of the Guru, for this will perish; do not cling to his feet for his attendants will stop you. The true Bhagavan resides in your heart as your own Self. This is who I truly am.
By severing the personal link between us, Bhagavan was trying to make me aware of him as he really is. Bhagavan had frequently told me that I should not attach a name and form to the Self or regard it in any way as a personal being.
All of the above memories were narrated by Sri Annamalai Swami himself, during his Satsangs with devotees who came to visit him at the Ashram.
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