Total faith in Bhagavan

When I asked Bhagavan for permission to move to Palakothu I had no idea where I would live or how I would support myself. Since Bhagavan had clearly approved of my decision, I was confident that he would continue to look after me. My faith in him was soon justified. As I was walking towards Palakothu I met Munagala Venkataramiah, the compiler of Talks with Sri Ramana Maharshi.

‘I have left the ashram,’ I told him. ‘I am on my way to Palakothu to look for somewhere to stay. From now on I have decided to spend my time in meditation.’

Munagala Venkataramiah was astonished to hear the news and yet was happy to hear it since he was just then looking for someone to take care of his hut.

‘Just today I received a telegram from Bombay telling me to come at once. I am on my way to the station. Take the keys to my hut and stay there till I get back. You will not have to buy anything. The room already contains everything that you will possibly need. I shall probably be back in a month or so.’ Saying so, he gave me the keys and hurried off to the station.

In a few minutes, I moved my meagre possessions into the hut. But there was still the problem of food to be solved. I had no money but my mind refused to pay any attention to the problem. In my euphoric state I just assumed that Bhagavan would take care of everything. Again my faith was justified

Chadwick had been sitting with Bhagavan in the old hall earlier that morning, trying to meditate. He had not been having much success because every time he closed his eyes, a picture of my face appeared in his mind. After making several unsuccessful attempts to get rid of it, he gave up trying to meditate and left the hall. As he was walking back to his room (he told me all this later that day), he came to the conclusion that it was not good to have close friendships with other devotees because such relationships disturb the mind.

When he reached his room his servant told him, ‘Annamalai Swami left the ashram this morning and went to live in Palakothu.’ Chadwick was surprised but was also relieved. He concluded that the strong images of me that he had been seeing a few minutes ago were not disturbances to his meditation. Instead they were a message from Bhagavan that he should send me some kind of assistance. He turned to his servant and gave him the instructions:

‘Annamalai Swami is a good devotee who has served Bhagavan for many years. I somehow feel obliged to look after him. Take some food to his hut and prepare a meal for him. It is now 10 a.m. When the ashram lunch bell rings at 11:30 I want Annamalai Swami to sit down and eat a good meal. I don’t want him to be inconvenienced in any way just because he has left the ashram.’

Chadwick’s continued help

Chadwick himself came along later to see how I was getting on. ‘For several years I have watched you carry about Bhagavan’s building plans,’ he said. ‘Now that the ashram is no longer supporting you, I will take care of all your needs. I will make sure that it will not be necessary for you to go anywhere in search of food.’ Saying so, he supplied me with a stove, utensils and enough food to last for many days. In the weeks that followed he checked my food supplies every time he visited me and instructed his servant to buy new supplies and then bring them to me. This was a convenient arrangement because Bhagavan himself instructed me, shortly after I moved to Palakothu:

‘Don’t ask anyone for anything. You should live on whatever God decides to send you, so long as it is sattvic food. Keep aloof from the things that are going on around you. Stay in your own hut as much as possible and don’t waste your time visiting other people.’

How Bhagavan gave me a home

In those days I was quite friendly with Vaikunta Vyas, a man who became one of Bhagavan’s assistants in the 1940s. He often came to visit me with a large group of devotees. Whenever they came they would all sleep in my hut. He said to me, ‘This place is very small. We cause you a lot of trouble when we come here. If you erect some kind of shed or veranda we can all stay there on future visits without disturbing you. We will pay for everything.’
All the devotees donated whatever they could. I also contributed Rs. 50. I sent word to a man named Arumugam, a mason and asked him to assist me in erecting the hut. He came immediately. While we were looking at the site, Bhagavan who was passing nearby, abruptly changed direction and came over to meet us.

‘Are you planning to build a house for Swami?’ Bhagavan asked Arumugam.

That was not our plan but Arumugam suddenly found himself saying, ‘Yes I will construct one’.

‘What materials are you planning to use? Mud or brick? Tiles or terrace?’

‘I think I will build the walls of brick, and put a terrace roof on top of them’ said Arumugam.
I was very surprised to hear this. Before Bhagavan arrived we were discussing a coconut leaf shelter. Now, in front of Bhagavan, Arumugam was committing himself (and possibly me) to building an expensive house.
Bhagavan seemed to approve of the plan.

‘Let us see gradually how it happens,’ he said. Then, having concluded his business with us, he walked away.

I asked Arumugam why he made all these expensive promises when he knew we were planning a small hut.
‘I don’t know,’ replied Arumugam. ‘The words automatically came to me when Bhagavan asked the questions. But now I have given my word to Bhagavan and I am obliged to keep it. Bhagavan made me say these words, so Bhagavan must want this building to happen. Don’t worry about the money. Even if I have to sell my house to pay for yours, I will do it.’

Funds came in magically

Within a day I somehow received an unexpected donation of Rs. 100. As with all of Bhagavan’s projects, the money just appeared whenever it was necessary.

As I was hearing this, I knew our money problem would be solved somehow. If Bhagavan took an interest in a devotee’s problems, some divine force would automatically bring about a solution. Bhagavan himself did nothing. He never claimed that he did anything.
The next day I received a donation of Rs. 200 from Ramaswamy Mudaliar, who also volunteered to help me with the construction. We were ready to start work on the roof when Bhagavan came and offered a suggestion: ‘It will be good if you use palmyra timber for the beams. That was the wood which was used in our house (Bhagavan’s house) in Tiruchuli (the town where Bhagavan was born).
We took the hint and bought some timber. Bhagavan enquired in detail about our plans: The exact dimensions of the beams, their thickness etc. A few weeks later he asked if I had remembered to install a grinding stone. I mention this merely to illustrate the concern that Bhagavan showed at all stages of the construction.
Thus the house was completed without any further problems. Bhagavan clearly wanted me to stay in this place. I moved into my new house. This was my last change of address. I have now lived in this room for more than fifty years.

The famous Thirukkural photo

This photo of Sri Bhagavan was worshiped by Sri Annamalai Swami in his room in Palakothu from 1942. The incident connected with this great photo is explained below. After the living room of Sri Annamalai Swami was constructed, on the first day Swami decided to place a photo of Sri Bhagavan in the room for worship.
He obtained a photo of Sri Bhagavan with Arunachala hill above him. Then he took a small photo of Arunachala hill and pasted the hill at the bottom of the picture, exactly at the heart of Sri Bhagavan. Swami gave a title to this photo as ‘The Lord who swallowed the Hill (Arunachala)’ and wrote it on the photo: Malayai Vizungiya Mahadevan. He then took this photo to Bhagavan to get his blessings.

Bhagavan looked at the photo and said, ‘If you had given this photo of Arunachala hill to me, I would have done a better job of pasting it.’ He continued, ‘Look, Annamalai Swami is calling me “The Lord who swallowed the Hill”.’ He then pointed to a page in a magazine that he had open. In there was a verse about another saint, singing how he had swallowed the hill Arunachala. (In the video below, Sri Annamalai Swami narrates this verse while recalling this incident.)

Bhagavan then wrote a two-line Thirukkural verse in his own handwriting on a small piece of paper. He then pasted this 2 line-verse at the top of this photo and gave it back to Annamalai Swami with his blessings.
The meaning of the verse is below. (Thirukkural was composed by the great saint Thiruvalluvar).
The glory of a Brahma Jnani who is firmly established in the Self without wavering, is higher than a great mountain.
This photograph adorned the walls of Sri Annamalai Swami’s room till his Samadhi.
Below is a video of Sri Annamalai Swami narrating this incident.

Spiritual evolution

After a few months in Palakothu I noticed that my mind was beginning to get quieter and quieter. During my working days my mind had been constantly occupied with thoughts about building matters. At the end of the day’s work, the mind would still continue its incessant activities. I found it very hard to meditate under the circumstances. Bhagavan told me, ‘You are not the body, you are not the mind. you are the pure consciousness, the Self. You are all-pervasive. Be aware of this at all times, even while you are working.’ I tried very hard to put this into practice while I was working, but I cannot say that I had much success.

When I moved to Palakothu I found it far easier to practice Bhagavan’s teachings. After a few months of meditation in Palakothu my mind became relatively quiet and still. A wonderful coolness pervaded my body. In the course of time, after many years of practice, both of these conditions became permanent.

Bhagavan’s continued care

Bhagavan often visited me when he took his daily walk in Palakothu. Once he dropped in while I was cooking my food and asked me what I was preparing.

When I told him, ‘Only rice and sambar,’ he was very pleased. ‘Very good!’ he exclaimed. ‘The simple life is the best.’

On another of his visits he told me that I should make a chutney out of a green leaf called Tiruvakshi because it was good for the body. I followed his advice and prepared it regularly.
Although I was no longer permitted to eat in the ashram except on special occasions, Bhagavan sometimes still gave me food from the dining room. I was once walking through the back gate of the ashram at about 8 p.m. when I saw Bhagavan and Subramaniam near the dispensary. Bhagavan asked Subramaniam to get some food for me.

‘When Annamalai Swami was here he used to enjoy eating aviyal (a South Indian delicacy made of coconut, curd and vegetables). Today a lot of aviyal has been prepared. Go to the kitchen and bring some on a plate. We can serve it to him here.’

Coming out of retirement

During my early years in Palakothu I regularly came to see Bhagavan in the hall, usually once in the morning and once in the evening. It was the year 1942, fourteen years after I had landed in Ramanasramam and several years into my retired life at Palakothu.

One day, Bhagavan came to my room and said ‘You are not showing your face much any more. Follow me.’ As we were entering the ashram through the back gate Bhagavan said, ‘They are planning to build a small hospital. You should build a bigger hospital here.’

He pointed to the site and indicated where the entrance should be. That was all.

When I heard these words I knew that my quiet, comfortable way of life was about to be shattered by another major battle with Chinnaswami. I first had to cut down a few trees. Immediately I engaged a man to help me cut them down. Because it was afternoon and most people were sleeping, we managed to cut them down without being interrupted or questioned.

Chinnaswami came along and asked me what was going on. Since I was bound by Bhagavan’s instructions I replied as ingenuously as I could, ‘I heard that you were going to build a small hospital. I thought that a bigger one was needed so I came along to construct it for you.’
It didn’t occur to Chinnaswami that I would not begin a building like this unless Bhagavan had personally asked me to do so. Chinnaswami shouted at me. ‘You are not an ashram worker anymore. What authority do you have? Why are you troubling us? The plans for the hospital are already drawn. Why are you interfering?’
Chinnaswami’s shouting and the cutting down of trees soon attracted crowd of 20-30 people. Many of them wanted to know why I was cutting them down. I explained again. ‘I am going to construct a big hospital here. These trees had to be cut down to make room for it.’
The shouting and questioning continued and the whole affair was turning ugly. I walked away and stood in a corner, pretending that I had accepted defeat. At that moment Bhagavan chose to make an appearance. He walked up to me, put his head next to mine and whispered, ‘What are these people saying?’
I whispered back, ‘They are saying, “What authority do you have to come here, and why are you cutting down these trees?”‘

Bhagavan sighed and said, ‘Avanga ishtam. Avanga ishtam. Avanga ishtam. (‘Let their desire be done’). You can go back to Palakothu.’

Name over the entrance
The last job was putting the name over the entrance. Once again it was Bhagavan who wrote the letters Vaidyasālāi on paper and asked me to make a copy of them on the wall. I erected some scaffolding and sat down to do the work. Chinnaswami came at that time and asked me to leave this job to supervise some other construction work. I declined to go since Bhagavan had instructed me to do this particular job.

‘Let it wait for some time,’ I said. ‘My destiny as an ashram worker and the destiny of the hospital are linked together. When I have finished this job I will go back to Palakothu and stay there.’

Bhagavan watched all this from a distance without making any comment. This Vaidyasālāi sign over the hospital was the last construction work I ever did for the ashram.

My ashram work ends

A few months after the hospital had been completed Bhagavan confirmed that my time as an ashram worker had come to an end.

I was sitting in the hall during the evening darshan when Bhagavan turned to me and said, ‘You are an independent person. Your karmas are finished. From now on, nobody, whether he be a king, a devā, an asurā or a human being, will order you around and tell you what to do.’

I had a great feeling of strength and peace when Bhagavan said these words. I was also immensely relieved to know that I would not have to come back to the ashram to work again.

Bhagavan’s grace rescued me again

After I had been in Palakothu for about four years, due to various reasons people who were supporting my meagre expenses were not allowed to do so. I began to worry. I decided that instead of depending on anyone else, I will go for a bhiksha (beg for my food) in town. Since this would bring about a major change in my lifestyle I knew I had to first get Bhagavan’s permission. He had previously told me not to beg for anything. One evening when I was sitting in the hall, I explained the situation to Bhagavan and sought his permission. Bhagavan remained silent for about fifteen minutes. At the end of that period I stood up to leave. I knew that Bhagavan’s silence indicated that he was not going to give me permission. Unexpectedly Bhagavan told me to sit down again.

‘You have sat for so long, why are you standing now?’

A few minutes later, Arumugam came into the hall. He had left a bag of rice outside the door. When I asked him, ‘What is this rice for?’

He replied, ‘I brought it for you. I suddenly felt an urge to give you something.’

Strange incident on the hill
After some time, my troubles with lack of support continued. The support that Chadwick had generously given me for so many years had come to an end. But if I had had more faith in Bhagavan, I would have known that Bhagavan would never abandon me. As it was, my fears were only put to rest by a strange incident which happened on the hill.

Soon, I received three rupees in what can only be called miraculous circumstances. One of Bhagavan’s devotees Jayarama Mudaliar, lived in a village called Thellar, near Vandavasi (thirty miles north-east of Tiruvannamalai). For some days he had been feeling an urge to send some money to one of the sādhus at Sri Ramanasramam. It was a vague urge for he had no one particular in mind.

About a week later a group of devotees came from that same village and announced that they wanted to look after all my needs. For many years afterwards they gave me enough money to support myself.

Removing Sandals

Since I was out in the sun all the time, I had an umbrella to protect me and dark glasses to protect my eyes from the lime dust. When Bhagavan came to see what I was doing, I removed my sandals and lowered my umbrella as a mark of respect. Bhagavan immediately told me off.

‘Why do you do these things when you see me? Why are you giving me special attention like this? These things are to protect you from the sun and the dust. I will only come to see you in future if you promise to keep your umbrella up and your sandals on.’

Egoistic thoughts disappear

One day as I was supervising work on the dining room I became aware that my ego was getting very strong. I could feel an unwanted sense of pride and achievement growing within me. ‘I am responsible for all this! I alone am supervising this great work!’  While I was afflicted with these strong thoughts Bhagavan came to see me.

He confirmed that something unusual had happened by quoting a well-known Tamil proverb: ‘The bad spirits will leave when they see the priest.’

Sexual desires

I used to hire both men and women to work on the dining room. Some of the women were quite attractive and I must confess that I was occasionally troubled by sexual desires. I had talked to Bhagavan about this problem quite early in my career in the ashram.

I had told him, ‘I don’t want Moksha (liberation). I just want that the desire for women should not enter my mind.’

On that occasion Bhagavan laughed and said , ‘All the mahatamas are striving only for this’.

His answer reassured me that I was not alone in suffering from this problem but it gave no clue as to how I might overcome it. I formed a theory that if I didn’t have to watch the women work all day it would be a lot easier to avoid sexual thoughts. In those days we used to pay women much less than men. It occurred to me that if I replaced all the women workers with a few men workers, for the price of a few annas I would be able to purchase a little peace of mind. I therefore told the women that there would be no more work from them in the future.

That night Bhagavan, as usual, enquired what work I planned to do the following day.
I told him, ‘Tomorrow I intend to put a lot of sand inside the building to bring the ground up to the level of the dining room floor.’
Bhagavan then enquired, ‘How many men and how many women have you engaged?’
I told Bhagavan that I had not hired any women and I explained my reasons to him. Bhagavan was not at all impressed with my explanation. He saw no reason why the women should suffer merely because I was unable to control my mind.

‘Why did you say that women workers were not longer needed?’ he asked. ‘You engage women workers. You engage women workers. You engage women workers.’

I knew that when Bhagavan wanted to stress the importance of a particular idea or phrase he would repeat it three times. I followed his instructions and rehired all the women.

Another occasion

I can remember another occasion when my sexual thoughts almost got the better of me. It was about 1 p.m. in the middle of summer. I was sitting in front of the storeroom when I saw a very beautiful woman come for Bhagavan’s darshan. I was so captivated by her appearance and felt a strong sexual desire arise within me.

At that moment Bhagavan suddenly appeared and saw what state my mind was in. He called me outside and asked me to stand in the sun on a big rock which was near the storeroom. Because I had no sandals on, the heat from the rock caused a great pain in my feet. Bhagavan completely ignored my discomfort. For several minutes he calmly chatted about various building matters. The pain in my burning feet became almost unbearable but I didn’t dare to move because Bhagavan had specifically told me to stand on that rock. After some time the thought occurred to me that the pain I was experiencing had completely displaced the desire for this woman.

As soon as this thought entered my mind Bhagavan abruptly terminated our conversation and walked away. I happily took my burning feet back into the shade. Bhagavan’s treatment proved to be a complete cure. When the pain subsided I found that I had no further interest in the woman.

Dealing with Anger

I often had to get angry with the workers in order to get the work done. I discovered quite early in my career that if I didn’t shout a lot, the quantity and quality of the work deteriorated. On one occasion I went too far and actually hit one of the workers because he had deliberately disobeyed my instructions, which were given to me exactly by Bhagavan. A stone had to be cut exactly and Bhagavan had given me very precise orders, since it had to fit exactly right in a part of the dining room wall.

After giving the stone cutter precise instructions as to how to cut the stone so that it won’t break, I stepped aside to supervise some other work going on. The stone cutter ignored all my instructions and broke the stone, trying to cut it a different way.

When I returned and saw what he had done, I got so angry that I gave him a blow on the back. This happened at 9 a.m. For the rest of the day I felt very guilty about losing my temper in this way.

That evening, when I gave my daily report, I confessed to Bhagavan and apologised for my action.

Bhagavan asked me, ‘When did this anger come and when did you hit him?’

I told him that the incident had happened around 9 a.m that morning.

Bhagavan taught me

‘The anger that came at 9 a.m. has already gone,’ said Bhagavan. ‘Why are you still thinking that you got angry and hit someone? Why are you still carrying these thoughts in your mind? Instead of feeling guilty about what you have done, enquire, “To whom did all this anger come?” Find out the real nature of the person who got angry this morning.

For activity, that anger was needed. Now it is all over, you do not need to think about it any more. So drop that memory of anger and proceed with the next job.’

Following Bhagavan’s instructions to the letter

Throughout this narrative we have seen how Sri Annamalai Swami did everything he could to follow Bhagavan’s instructions exactly. Even if it meant great discomfort or put him in a bad position. There were numerous incidents where Bhagavan would tell Annamalai Swami to carry out a project, even big ones such as building a hospital, but with the added instruction that ‘if someone asked you who authorized this work, tell them that you are doing it on your own.’ One can only imagine the pressure, Swami had to deal with when managers such as Chinnaswami berated him for doing things on his own without getting their approval. Yet Annamalai Swami never budged. Even if Bhagavan did not come to his rescue. This attitude of unconditional surrender seems to have been ingrained in him from the beginning. Swami’s narration continues…

One of the final jobs on the dining room was putting the name of the building on the top of the eastern wall. The letters were to be constructed out of cement in a space about 2 1/2 feet long and nine inches high. Bhagavan himself wrote the Tamil word pākasālai, meaning dining room, in big letters on a piece of paper. He wanted to show me how to shape and space out the letters so that all the available space would be used.

A man called Srinivasa Rao who was watching all this came up to Bhagavan and said, ‘He’s just a country boy. He doesn’t even know how to write properly. I will do this job for him.

Bhagavan refused to let him take over. ‘Don’t interfere with his work,’ he said. ‘Go somewhere else and mind your own business.’

Since Bhagavan thus made it quite clear that he wanted me to do the work, I carried it out to the best of my ability. I put the year 1938 at the top, the world pākasālai below that in Tamil. Following another of Bhagavan’s suggestions, I wrote the name Sri Ramanasramam underneath in dēvanāgari script.

Below is a photograph of that finished dining room, with Bhagavan sitting by the entrance. The name and date plaque that Annamalai Swami made is at the top on the skyline.

Bhagavan had to play a trick to get me help

Once Bhagavan asked me to construct some steps on the ashram side of Pali Theertham so that devotees could easily walk down to the water.He took me to the tank, showed me where he wanted them and how wide they should be.

But first several heavy boulders had to be removed. It was too late in the day to hire any workers, so I tried to move a few. They were too heavy for me. I tried asking multiple sources in the ashram to lend me their workers but no one was willing to help. I went back to Bhagavan, told him that I could not move the rocks by myself, and that Ramaswami Pillai had refused to lend me any of his workers.

Bhagavan listened to my problems and rather surprisingly said, ‘Since you cannot find anyone else to do the work, I will come and help you myself’.

Bhagavan walked to the tank and pointed out a large protruding rock. ‘We can start with that one,’ he said.

As we were straining to lift it, Bhagavan’s towel slipped from his shoulders and fell into the mud. The rock was too heavy for us. We managed to lift one side of it a few inches but no more. Bhagavan told me to release the rock, saying that it was too heavy. As it fell to the ground it trapped Bhagavan’s towel firmly in the mud. Bhagavan then surprisingly abandoned both the work and the towel and returned to the hall.

I went up to Chinnaswami and said, ‘Do you know where Bhagavan’s towel is? It is stuck in the mud under a rock in Pali Theertham.’ I took him there to see and gave him a summary of what had happened. Chinnaswami was shocked to hear that Bhagavan had been obliged to work as a coolie because I couldn’t find anyone else to help me. He went to Ramaswami Pillai and had him send all his garden workers to the tank to work for me.

Be aware of the Self while working

Despite my busy schedule Bhagavan once insisted that I memorise the ten verses from Sivānanda Lahari which he himself had selected.

On another occasion he told me, ‘If you want mōksha, copy this book [Ellām Ondrē] into your notebook. Then study it and live according to its precepts.’ I told Bhagavan, ‘Your are keeping me very busy. I have no time for copying. If someone else writes it down I will happily read it and study it.’

Bhagavan refused to accept my excuse. ‘You have time to write your mekkedu (daily tally of workers wages). Are you trying to get mōksha by paying a price for it? I asked you to write it yourself because if you do it this way it will get impressed on your mind. If you write it once it is the equivalent of reading it ten times. Write a little every day. There is no hurry. Even if it takes a month you should do it yourself.’

From that day on I put aside a little time daily to do the copying. Bhagavan himself assisted me by writing down the headings for each chapter on the contents page of my notebook. He also completed the copying by writing the last line himself. When the copying was over he went through the notebook and corrected all my mistakes.

Meditate continuously

Bhagavan frequently told me, ‘Don’t forget your real nature. It is not necessary that you should sit and meditate. You should meditate all the time, even while you are working.’

In the beginning when I first came to Bhagavan, I had asked him for a mantra. In response he told me to repeat ‘Siva Siva’ continuously. Later, Bhagavan advised me to keep my attention in the Heart while I was working. I had assumed that Bhagavan wanted me to concentrate on a particular centre on the right side of the chest. However, when I had started to practise in this way, Bhagavan stopped me and corrected me.

This right-side Heart-centre is not the true Heart,’ he said. ‘The real Heart is not located anywhere. It is all-pervasive. Stop meditating on the Heart-centre. Find the source. That is the true Heart. Just as electricity comes not from the individual meter boxes in people’s houses but from a single source, so too the whole world has a single source, which is the Self of the Heart. Seek and enquire into this source of limitless energy. If the centre of the Self were really located in the body, the Self would die when the body dies.

I understood from these remarks that just has one cannot experience the nature and source of electricity by staring at the meter box in one’s house, similarly, one cannot gain a direct experience of the current of the Self by concentrating on the heart – Centre. I gave up concentrating on this Centre and tried to follow Bhagavan’s advice.

In order to keep my attention on the self while I was working I adopted, with Bhagavan’s permission, the traditional approaches of nēti nēti (not this, not this) and affirmation: ‘I am not the body and the mind; I am the self; I am everything.’

Note: The decision to follow this approach must have been so strong, that with continuous practice of it and surrender, Bhagavan’s grace led Sri Annamalai Swami to spiritual enlightenment. This is revealed by his teachings, in which he continuously stresses this one thing: ‘Always remember, you are not the body or mind. You are the Supreme Self.’

Bhagavan’s care for me

When the construction of the garbagriha (inner shrine) of the Mother’s Temple was nearing completion, Bhagavan asked me to paint the name of the temple Mātrubūtēshwarālayam (Temple of God in the form of the Mother) on the front wall. If one looks over the entrance one can see two elephants carved out of stone. Under their feet is a stone scroll, where this name is carved. Bhagavan wrote this name in Sanskrit for me so that I could make a stencil and then paint the letters on the scroll. Later one of the sculptors would carve the name by chiseling out the area covered by my painted letters.

I sat in Bhagavan’s presence in the hall, carefully cutting out the name. I kept all my attention on the work because I knew that I would not be able to get away with even the smallest of mistakes. At about 3 p.m. Bhagavan used to go out of the hall to urinate. At that time, as he stood up, everyone in the hall stood up except me. I was in the middle of cutting out a letter and did not want to spoil it. I heard someone say behind me, ‘Bhagavan has stood up but this man has no respect. He is still sitting on the floor.’

Bhagavan also must have heard this because he seemed to change his mind about going outside.

Instead, he came and sat next to me on the floor. He put his hand on my shoulder and watched intently as I finished cutting out that letter. Then, without bothering to take his expected trip outside, he got up an sat on his couch again.

My yearning for Giri Pradakshina
I cannot say that I always enjoyed working so hard. It would have been nice to have had a day off occasionally. I once tried to take a short break but it had such disastrous consequences that I never tried again. It happened when I was feeling very tired because of a long period of work without any rest. I went in and asked Bhagavan if I could take a break from my duties and do giri pradakshina (walking around the mountain). I told him that I had this desire to do a pradakshina for some time.

Bhagavan knew that I had a lot of work pending so initially he refused to give permission. He didn’t actually say ‘no’, he just kept silent. I should have accepted his silence as an answer but rather stupidly I persisted with the request.

Finally Bhagavan gave me a positive answer. ‘You are often saying that you want time off so that you can do some meditation. Do giri pradakshina and meditate while you are walking.’

I walked around the hill but my mind was too restless to meditate. I felt guilty about abandoning my work. My feelings of guilt increased enormously when I arrived back at the ashram. I was told that as soon as I had left the ashram Bhagavan had abandoned his sofa and had begun to supervise the work which I had chosen to neglect. He had been out in the sun, supervising the work, for all the hours that I had been away. No one had managed to persuade him to go inside. Those devotees who had come for his darshan had been forced to do their namaskaram in the mud and lime that surrounded his feet. Many were understandably upset with me.

Importance of not wasting things
Bhagavan insisted on frugality and disliked wasting anything.
I was supervising the construction of the new dining room. Bhagavan had given me a rusty, bent nail and asked me to clean it, straighten it, and use it in the dining room.

‘But Bhagavan,’ I protested, ‘we have just received many kilos of brand-new nails. We don’t need to use old ones like this.’

Bhagavan disagreed. After telling me that everything that was useful should be used, he repeated his instructions about renovating the nail.

Simplicity in food
Although Bhagavan was willing to spend several hours each day ensuring that the ashram food was cooked properly, he disliked elaborate meals consisting of many dishes. He was quite satisfied with rice, sambar and one vegetable dish.

A lady from Kerala once came for darshan and insisted on cooking for everyone. After a lot of time and effort she made thirty two separate dishes. Bhagavan allowed her to serve each item on his banana leaf, but when the serving was over he mixed up all the offerings into a single homogenised lump. By way of explanation he told her:

You had to expend a lot of energy to prepare this much food. One vegetable – which is enough to clean the stomach and keep one free of constipation – is enough. Why make all this?’

‘If you prepare thirty two dishes, the mind is always thinking, “Shall I eat this one or that one?” So the mind is also dissipated while eating. If there is one dish there is no trouble. We can eat it very simply.’

‘Also meals like this set a bad example to people who have no food. Poor people will get to hear that we are serving luxurious meals and think, “We are hungry but these people who are supposed to be simple sādhus are eating so many dishes.” Thoughts like this will cause unnecessary jealousy.’

Later he added, ‘If Bhagavan were to eat one dish first, the woman who is serving will think, “Oh, Bhagavan likes this very much”. Then she will come and put another helping on my plate. This is why I mix everything into a single ball.’

No Paradesis in the first batch
On jayanti day (the day of Bhagavan’s birthday celebration) it was the ashram’s custom to feed anyone who came. There were large, unruly crowds that day as lot of the visitors came only because they wanted a free meal. On that day, just before lunch, Bhagavan heard Chinnaswami calling out in a loud voice, ‘No paradesis (sannyasins) in the first batch!’.

Bhagavan, who was walking towards the dining room, turned back and went inside the old hall. He evidently regarded himself as a paradesi and felt that he had been barred from the dining room. This created a big problem becasue it was a long-established custom that no one should eat until Bhagavan had begun his meal. Chinnaswami came to the hall, apologised for giving such a discriminatory order, and requested Bhagavan to come and eat the the first sitting. Several of the older devotees also pleaded with Bhagavan to eat.

Chinnaswami readily agreed to this condition because the whole feeding programme involving thousands of people, could not be initiated until Bhagavan took his seat in the dining room.

Compassion for animals
Whenever Lakshmi (the cow) came for darshan she would walk very fast, straight towards Bhagavan. When she reached Bhagavan’s couch she would often stand in front of Bhagavan and put her head on his feet. If she came a little closer he would gently caress her head and neck. Often, they would be so close together that Lakshmi’s saliva would fall on Bhagavan’s body. If any special food was cooked in the ashram, Bhagavan would serve some to Lakshmi in the hall itself. I have seen him serving her iddlies, payasam and vadai, all on a banana leaf, just as if she were a human being.

Like this there are numerous accounts of Bhagavan showing his boundless compassion towards animals.

Killing insects
Bhagavan’s compassion towards animals was not universal, as this incident reveals. One morning Bhagavan noticed that a large number of black ants were entering the hall through the drainage hole. Turning to me Bhagavan said,

‘Find out where these ants are coming from. If there is a nest in there, block up the exit so that the ants cannot come into the hall. You must do this work quickly because all the devotees will be coming back at 3 p.m.’

I prised out the flagstone that the drainage hole was on. As I pulled the stone out of the wall I saw a large colony of black ants living in a hole behind it. Some of them even started to crawl over Bhagavan’s sofa. There were so many on the floor around my feet that I couldn’t have taken a step without killing some of them. Bhagavan noticed that I had been immobilised by my fear of unnecessarily killing any ants.

‘Why are you just standing there and looking at them?’ asked Bhagavan. ‘You must close up the hole before the devotees come back. Tell me what you need to finish the job properly and I will bring it for you.’ As I was much too worried about killing the ants and hence did not reply, Bhagavan repeated his offer: ‘Tell me what you want and I shall go and fetch it for you. Shall I bring some broken bricks and a little cement?’

This time I explained my inactivity. ‘There are ants everywhere, Bhagavan. I cannot move or do any work without killing some of them.’

With this assurance I filled in the hole with bricks and cement. Many ants died in the process. I discovered later that Bhagavan generally discouraged devotees from killing insects unless they were causing or about to cause injury or suffering to people or animals.

The importance of following instructions
I remember one occasion when he taught the cooks how to make aviyal properly. Bhagavan had insisted on many occasions that the chillies and other spices should be ground into a paste before the were added to the simmering vegetables. Since this was a very laborious and time-consuming activity, the cooks once decided to add powdered spices to the meal instead of had-ground paste. Bhagavan somehow found out what had happened. On the next occasion that the aviyal was prepared, Bhagavan himself came to the kitchen and ground the spices.

I happened to walk into the kitchen while he was doing the work. Noticing that he alone was working and that all the women were standing around watching, I said, ‘There are many people working in the kitchen. Why is Bhagavan alone doing this work?’

Bhagavan explained what was going on: ‘I told them to make a paste out of the chillies but they didn’t follow my instructions. So, to make sure that it is done properly, I am doing the work myself. It is no hardship for me. It is good exercise for the hands and arms.’

I turned to the women and scolded them a little: ‘There are so many people here but you are letting Bhagavan do all the hard work. Why are you idly standing around like this?’

Bhagavan made no comment; he just carried on grinding. Then the women started saying ‘Let me do it,’ ‘I will do it,’ ‘Let me take over’.

Keeping the premises clean
I can remember another occasion when Bhagavan taught us a lesson by doing work himself. There was a room near the kitchen which was rarely cleaned. It was dusty and dirty and the floor was usually covered with old banana leaves and vegetable cuttings. Many people walked through this room but no one ever took the trouble to tidy it.

To all volunteers he gave the same reply:

‘Only now your eyes are on this. Did you not see the mess before?’

Bhagavan collected all the rubbish on a large piece of paper, took it outside and threw it away. From that day on the room was cleaned regularly.

Correct yourself first
Bhagavan taught that one should reform oneself rather than find fault with others. In practical terms this means that one should find the source of one’s own mind rather than make complaints about other people’s minds and actions. I can remember a typical reply that Bhagavan gave on this subject.

A devotee, who was quite intimate with Bhagavan, asked him, ‘Some of the devotees who live with Bhagavan behave very strangely. They seem to do many things that Bhagavan does not approve of. Why does Bhagavan not correct them?’

Bhagavan replied, ‘Correcting oneself is correcting the whole world. The sun is simply bright. It does not correct anyone. Because it shines, the whole world is full of light. Transforming yourself is a means of giving light to the whole world.’

Once, while I was sitting in the hall, someone complained to Bhagavan about one of the devotees who was sitting there: ‘He is not meditating here, he is just sleeping.’

‘How do you know?’ retorted Bhagavan. ‘Only because you yourself gave up your meditation to look at him. First see yourself and don’t concern yourself with other people’s habits.’

Concern for my nutrition
Whenever I was supervising construction work, Bhagavan would often tell me,

‘You are working hard in the heat of the day. You may eat whatever you want.’

The serving ladies, aware of Bhagavan’s concern for me, always served me large amounts of curd and ghee to counteract the heat.
I also had a remedy of my own. In the summer, when the heat was almost unbearable, I found that mixing a chopped raw onion with my food helped me to keep my body cool. I ate so much raw onion one summer that many peopled started to call me ‘Vengaya Swami’ (Onion Swami)

Jnanam is more important than Iddlies
I had asked Bhagavan some spiritual questions but before he had a chance to complete his answer, Chinnaswami interrupted us by saying, ‘Why are you asking questions while Bhagavan is eating?’

Before continuing with his answer, Bhagavan turned to Chinnaswami and said, ‘Jnanam is more important than eating iddlies. This time will never come again. If we stop talking now, a suitable occasion may not come again.’

I will serve him myself
Bhagavan made me work very hard but at the same time he was always very kind and considerate towards me. Once incident which happened in the dining room shows this very well. I had spent the whole morning supervising masons who were constructing some steps near the dispensary. If I had not been present it is quite likely that they would either have failed to put enough packing under the stones, or put the stones themselves in the wrong place. The work took so long I was very late for my lunch.

When I reached the dining room I found that the food which had been served on my plate had gone cold and that there were several wasps sitting on it. One of the servers scolded me for being late. ‘You may be working, ‘ she said, ‘but we are also working. You should not turn up late like this, you should come on time.’

Bhagavan, who was outside at the time, cleaning his teeth overheard what they were saying.

He called out in a loud voice: ‘Annamalai Swami is not keeping himself idle. If he had come earlier, the work which he has been supervising would not have been done properly. If you need some rest you can go and have a rest. I will come and serve Annamalai Swami myself.’

Bhagavan lets me cook
Since I was a non-brahmin I was not allowed to do any of the cooking. Bhagavan knew the sentiments of orthodox brahmins and went to a lot of trouble to avoid offending them. There was one occasion when Bhagavan broke the rules and let me do some cooking. It was the morning after a jayanti celebration. All the cooks were asleep, completely exhausted after feeding thousands of people the day before. Bhagavan took me, Madhava Swami and Ramakrishna Swami into the kitchen to make uppuma because it was clear that the cooks were not going to wake up in time to prepare the breakfast. Under Bhagavan’s supervision we cut vegetables, shredded coconuts and made a large pot of rava uppuma

No difference between you and I
This is an example of Bhagavan’s care to not offend others’ feelings. As I was walking with Bhagavan towards toe cowshed we noticed some women cleaning rice near one of the guest rooms. One of them had recently spat out some betel juice on the path that we were walking on. Using his bare foot, Bhagavan covered and buried the juice under a little mound of earth.

Not wanting Bhagavan’s feet to come in contact with the saliva, I tried to stop him by saying, ‘Why is Bhagavan doing this? I will do it.’

Bhagavan ignored my offer. ‘What is the difference between “you” and “I”? he asked. ‘Many brahmins will go this way to the patashala. If they happened to see this on the path they would be very upset. I am only burying it to avoid hurting their feelings.’

Kaivalya Navanitam
I once asked Bhagavan, ‘What are the most important verses in Kaivalya Navanitam?’ I gave my copy of the book to Bhagavan who immediately picked out verses twelve and thirteen from chapter one:

After reading them out Bhagavan remarked, ‘All the other verses in Kaivalyam are just an elaboration and a commentary on these two verses’.

Six Books to read
On another occasion when I asked Bhagavan to select some reading material for me, he gave me a short-list of six books:

• Kaivalya Navanitam
• Ribhu Gitā
• Ashtāvakra Gitā
• Ellām Ondrē
• Swarūpa Sāram and
• Yoga Vāsishta.

He laid particular stress on Ellām Ondrē, telling me, ‘If you want mōksha write, read and practise the instructions in Ellām Ondrē.

Chanting Ribhu Gita
In additional to the regular pārāyanam in the morning, we also chanted a lot from the Ribhu Gita. Bhagavan had such a high opinion of this book that he told several of us to read it regularly as part of our sādhanā. He even said that constant reading of this book leads to samādhi.

I was one of the devotees who was told to read this book regularly.

Become nothing
There was a devotee in the ashram who, for me at least, exemplified Bhagavan’s teachings on humility and selfless devotion. His name was Viran and was employed to carry water, but in addition he did whatever was asked of him immediately without any complaint whatsoever. Even if it was in the middle of the night. He was from a low caste, so when people addressed him disrespectfully, Bhagavan would immediately show his disapproval.