The happening

A few days later I went to Bhagavan’s bathroom to help him with his morning bath. Madhava Swami asked a question: ‘Bhagavan, the people who take ganjā lēhiyam (an ayurvedic preparation whose principal ingredient is cannabis) experience some kind of ānanda (bliss). What is the nature of this ānandā? Is it the same ānandā that the scriptures speak of?’

‘Eating this ganjā is a very bad habit,’ replied Bhagavan. Then, laughing loudly, he came over to me, hugged me and called out, Ānandā!, Ānandā! This is how these ganjā-taking people behave!’

It was not a brief hug. Madhava Swami told me later that he held me tightly for about two minutes. After the first few seconds I completely lost awareness of my body and the world. Initially, there was a feeling of happiness and bliss, but this soon gave way to a state in which there were no feelings and no experiences. I did not lose consciousness. I just ceased to be aware of anything that was going on around me. I remained in this state for about fifteen minutes.

When I recovered my usual consciousness I was standing alone in the bathroom. Madhava Swami and Bhagavan had long since departed for breakfast. I had not seen them open the door and leave, nor had I heard the breakfast bell.

I made a much belated appearance in the dining room to eat my last breakfast. As soon as I had finished eating I went up onto the hill to look for Bhagavan. I found him sitting on a big rock.

‘I have decided to leave the ashram,’ I said. ‘I want to go to Palakothu to live alone and meditate.’

‘Ah! Very good! Very good! Very good!’ exclaimed Bhagavan.

The decision clearly had his approval. How could it be otherwise since it was Bhagavan himself who gave me the experience which precipitated the decision?

After getting Bhagavan’s permission I packed my possessions and locked my room. I also locked all the other places that were in my charge, gave the keys to Chinnaswami and told him my decision. He was quite naturally very surprised. ‘Why are you leaving?’ he asked. ‘You have constructed all these buildings. You have done so much here. How can you go after doing all this work? Where will you sleep? How will you eat? You will have many troubles because you have no way of supporting yourself. Don’t go, stay here.’